


Behind Blue Eyes

by Silverfox



Series: Lone Stars [2]
Category: Transformers Generation One
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 04:54:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15574224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverfox/pseuds/Silverfox
Summary: Companion piece to Lone Stars. What was Mirage thinking and what did Sunstreaker say to him? Songfic warning.





	Behind Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This actually goes with Lone Stars, which was written for a challenge by Starhorse. The original idea for Lone Stars would have included the talk between Mirage and Sunstreaker, but the challenge’s word limit didn’t allow for it. So I decided to forget about that. I sent in the story and went back to what I’d been writing before. And then I kept hearing that song on the radio and it would remind me of Mirage and that unwritten conversation every time. In the end I gave in and wrote this songfic, even though I don’t usually do songfics. It just wouldn’t leave me alone.

Mirage let himself drop to the ground on the small rise just outside the Ark. It was dark and quiet and nobody would look for him here anytime soon. If anybody bothered to look for him at all. He tore out a handful of grass, ripped it to pieces. Hound would be angry with him, if he saw that. Most likely they all would. Autobots didn't approve of random destructive acts. Even if it was only grass.

No one knows what it's like  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes

He dropped the torn grass, stared at it. Ashamed. This was more the act of a Decepticon, they'd say.

He'd just confirmed again what Smokescreen had said. Not trustworthy, not a real Autobot. Even Prime himself had noticed.

It had been a completely innocent conversation. Mirage had always felt he had some sort of connection with Smokescreen, that if anyone Smokescreen could understand his need to hide from everyone including himself. After all they were similar in that. Mirage with his invisibility, Smokescreen with his wall of smoke. They both hid and struck.

No one knows what it's like  
To be hated  
To be fated  
To telling only lies

But then their conversation had taken an odd turn. Mirage suddenly had felt threatened, as if Smokescreen had come too close, and had tried to get distance, crawl further into himself, behind his mask.

And Smokescreen had reacted angrily and yelled it out to the whole room that Prime didn't trust him. Not even Prime!

Despite everything he'd thought that he was a part of the group, an Autobot, and accepted as such by the other Autobots even if he kept a certain distance from them.

But my dreams  
They aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be

Yes, he sometimes did things that no other Autobot would feel comfortable doing. Like ripping out the grass just to blow off steam. Like sneaking on board of a Decepticon spaceship to go along for the ride. To go home.

He twirled another handful of grass around his fingers. Just one pull and it would be ripped out. And why would he care? He never cared when he set up one of the Decepticons in some devious trap. Or sometimes one of his own side.

Sag it, he'd only wanted to get home!

I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free

And just what would he do, if he got home? His family and friends were most likely all dead. If any had survived they were hidden far away. He'd never find them. He'd be all alone, just as alone as he was here and now. All he had left was revenge. Revenge on the Decepticons that had started the war that had killed them.

He could just as well do that here. Why this longing to get back to Cybertron, when he knew there was nobody waiting for him there?

Cold revenge. Autobots didn't condone revenge. Fight to protect the living, yes, but never to avenge the dead. There was no sense in more death. Revenge was a Decepticon concept. It only served to alienate him from the others even more.

No one knows what it's like  
To feel these feelings  
Like I do  
And I blame you *)

But it was the Autobots that had made him into what they blamed him for being. They had trained him to be a spy, taught him to see the world through Decepticon eyes, so he could deal with them better. They were the ones that wanted him to keep in touch with Swindle and Bobshell, even deal with Soundwave or at least his cassette minions.

Couldn't they see how in order to deal with them he had to understand their way of thinking, imitate it, so he could show them a personality they could understand and accept? The more he dealt with them, the more he saw and understood of the Decepticon mentality. The more he understood, the better he could imitate it. The more he understood, the more he could see the reasoning behind it. The Decepticon way of thinking was in a way much more complicated than the Autobot mindset.

No one knows what it's like  
To be mistreated  
To be defeated  
Behind blue eyes **)

It wasn't just a different set of morals, different ideas of what was right and wrong. Autobots had a clear view of what was right and wrong, black and white. The Decepticons' world understood neither. It was entirely grey. A thousand shades of grey. A whole world of colours made by mixing the two the Autobots so strictly kept apart.

To deal with Swindle Mirage had to have an understanding of that world, to be able to see it. Even more so, if he wanted to attempt to understand the depth that was Soundwave, a mind much more complicated than any Autobot he knew. A mind more hidden even than his own.

How could they expect him to come out of that untouched, unchanged? How was he supposed to hold on to the Autobot mindset while being forced to think like a Decepticon all the time? He did try, but somehow it got impossible to keep his two personas separate and sometimes he just didn't know which one was the role he played and which the real him.

And no one knows how to say that they're sorry  
and don't worry  
I'm not telling lies **)

He'd tried to explain it to Ratchet once. Looking back he had no idea why. Maybe that had been his mistake. Maybe Ratchet had been more shocked than Mirage had realised and reported it all back to Prime.

Perhaps he'd hoped that Ratchet would have a way to fix it, like he'd fixed the damage to his body. Or maybe he'd just told Ratchet to distract himself from the pain of the repairs. Not that it had really hurt all that much.

Then again maybe he'd needed to get it all out, to just tell somebody and hear someone say that it wasn't that bad, that it was normal. Ratchet hadn't said anything, though. He'd just finished the repairs, looked at him sadly and told him to get some rest. Maybe he'd thought that Mirage was just over tired and his thoughts would reassert themselves in recharge.

But my dreams  
They aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be **)

He'd never told Ratchet about the dreams he sometimes had during recharge. He didn't even know whether Ratchet knew he dreamed at all. Most Transformers didn't.

There was no need to tell Ratchet as long as the dreams didn't disturb his recharge, right? They weren't nightmares. In fact he actually liked the dreams. Sometimes they took him back to Cybertron before the war, to his family and friends and sometimes he was somebody else in those dreams. Sometimes one of his fellow Autobots, but more often a Decepticon. That was the part that worried him. He dreamed of being a Decepticon and actually enjoyed it. Usually he was Swindle, the Decepticon he knew best, or sometimes Rumble or Laserbeak. The weirdest of all were the Ravage dreams where he sometimes slunk around Soundwave's legs like a human's house cat and Soundwave would pet him ...

No, the weirdest were the Starscream dreams. Why the slag would he dream of being Starscream?

I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free **)

In his dreams Starscream was very different from the Starscream he saw in battle. His personality and history were much closer to Mirage's own, he guessed. Too close for comfort.

Starscream wasn't trusted by his fellow Decepticons either and the way Megatron dealt wit it ... Mirage shuddered. But in his dreams there also were Skywarp and Thundercracker to pick Starscream up again and comfort him afterwards. Sometimes he wondered whether they really did.

And would anyone come to pick him up, if Prime ever decided to punish him like that?

No one knows what it's like  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes **)

But Prime wouldn't do that. At worst Prime would throw him into a cell for the rest of his life and the Autobots would just forget about him.

Or would they hate him for it? Prime would only do that, if he really became dangerous, wouldn't he?

Or was he dangerous already? Was he a threat to his fellow Autobots? Was that why Ratchet had reported him to Prime? Was that why Prime had warned Smokescreen to keep an eye on him? Did they fear that Mirage would kill one of their own in a Megatron like fit of rage?

No one bites back as hard  
On their anger  
None of my pain and woe  
Can show through *)

Mirage let go of the grass he'd been about to tear out and gently brushed it back into position. The Autobots' way was non aggressive, only defensive, and the grass hadn't done him any harm. He had to keep these Decepticon influences on his personality under control. They were supposed to be a role he could pack away, not part of him. His true person had to be kind and forgiving.

If only it didn't hurt so much. The Decpticons felt that letting hurt and anger out by destroying some innocent unimportant object was a good way to deal with them. Mirage almost grinned at the thought of Megatron throwing Starscream through the Decepticon command center, not because of Starscream's latest scheme to overthrow him, but because he was feeling depressed and frustrated at the Decepticons' latest defeat.

Maybe if Mirage could just go grab Cliffjumper or Bumblebee and ... No, not allowed. Autobots didn't do that! He shouldn't even want to do that!

But my dreams  
They aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be *)

And was that the only reason he didn't mistreat his fellow Autobots like Megatron mistreated Starscream? That an Autobot didn't do that and he was expected to be an Autobot?

Then perhaps Smokescreen was right. Perhaps the Autobots shouldn't trust Mirage. Perhaps he wasn't really an Autobot anymore. But then why did he still long to behave like one, to be accepted, even liked by his fellow Autobots? Why did he wish so much that one of them would understand what he felt, what it was like to be the bad guy, the one that couldn't be trusted?

I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free *)

It left him so isolated, so alone. And yet, he wanted to be alone, he wanted to remain safe behind his mask. It was the price he paid for his safety.

Why should he long for companionship? And why care, if it was denied him? He'd always fought it off and had been happy when left alone. If they didn't trust him, they wouldn't try to get close and he couldn't be hurt again. And they couldn't see what shame was hidden behind his mask.

Was it the fact that apparently they could guess what he was trying so hard to fight down?

"Hi!"

Mirage's head snapped up. Sunstreaker stood only a few metres away. He hadn't even noticed him approach.

Sunstreaker. If there was one Autobot that Mirage considered truly dangerous one on one it was Sunstreaker. Sunstreaker was capable of killing someone. Most of the others would try to avoid that final blow. If he'd come to challenge Mirage over Smokescreen's words, punish him for his treachery ...

But Sunstreaker wasn't usually an avenging angel. He was much more dangerous, if personally attacked. Or would he consider Mirage's treachery a personal attack?

"Hi." Mirage answered cautiously.

When my fist clenches, crack it open  
Before I use it and lose my cool  
When I smile, tell me some bad news  
Before I laugh and act like a fool *)

"You come here often?"

"Only with Hound."

"Hound's not here."

"No."

A pause. Sunstreaker came closer. Walking leisurely. He didn't seem to be enraged at all. Maybe this was just a coincidental meeting.

"He's drunk." Sunstreaker said as he reached Mirage's side.

"Who?" Couldn't be Hound. Hound was off on a mission.

"Smokescreen." Sunstreaker shrugged. "Doesn't know what he's saying."

"Prime ..." Mirage started, then managed to bite back the remark. The last thing he needed was to make Sunstreaker take this seriously.

"Wouldn't." Sunstreaker said with conviction. "Never."

And if I swallow anything evil  
Put your finger down my throat  
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket  
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat *)

Relief washed over Mirage. If Sunstreaker didn't take it seriously, then maybe the rest wouldn't either. Maybe they'd all agree that Smokescreen had just been drunk.

"What're you doing?" Sunstreaker sat down beside him.

"Star watching."

Sunstreaker laid back stretching out in the grass.

"They're pretty." he remarked.

"Yeah." said Mirage. "They are."

But then Sunstreaker, too, was a bad guy, too violent.

No one knows what it's like  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes *)

And maybe Sunstreaker just knew, that sometimes one just couldn't be as good as one wanted to be. Maybe Sunstreaker just understood that some people just were a little bit grey and understood that it was okay to be so.

Mirage leaned back beside the most violent Autobot of all and looked up at the sky. Yes, the stars were pretty indeed.

 

*) lyrics used only in the The Who version  
**) lyrics used only by Limp Bizkit


End file.
